literature

SAINW Origins: C1: The Struggle Within

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  Donnie stared at his trembling hands.  He had awoken to yet again another nightmare, this one just the same as all the others.  He could hear the monster’s roar, feel its lustful power growing inside of him.  Ever since his second mutation he had felt different, out of place.  As if he didn’t belong.  He still felt like the beast, the creature of raw power.  It didn’t matter that he had defeated it, it didn’t matter that he was finally healing.  Physically at least...Master Splinter told him only time could heal his wounds, but how long did he have to wait?  How long until his mind would irrevocably be at peace?  He couldn’t bear the thought of what he had done...the fleeting memories that plagued his mind.  He could remember what he didn’t want to, and what he did he couldn’t.  He almost killed his family.  He almost destroyed them.  The monster wanted their blood on his hands, he wanted to take them out.  The terrifying thing was...Donnie had wanted to oblige.  He wanted to rid himself of those who always disturbed him, those who did not understand him.  If he even dared to open his mouth, the words that came out went above their heads, and they would just stare blankly.  They didn’t care about the things that excited him.  But at least they cared for him...right?

  That single question was the problem he couldn’t sleep.  The thought that they may not care for him, love him, it was too much to bear.  But hadn’t they sacrificed everything for him?  They were willing to risk being discovered by the humans to save him.  Because he was one of their own, because he was their brother.  He was Splinter’s son.  They were family.  They would always be family.

  Or would they?  That nagging doubt, that single inquiry.  He had always been the different one, the weird one.  He had always been smarter than his brothers, and taller too.  He had always had a natural curiosity about things that they lacked.  Was he truly their brother?  Perhaps he should conduct a test...a test would prove it all.  He would know once and for all whether or not he was their brother.  Whether or not their so called affections were merely actions of the mind, or actions of the heart.

  A part of him screamed not to.  He told himself it was a bad idea, that it was wrong.  That it didn’t matter.  They were brothers forever, family forever.  Hadn’t he learned from his time with the Kraang?  From his time as a monster?  It didn’t matter.  What he would learn...it could destroy them all.  The other side of him though...it viciously roared at him, much like the beast.  He had to do it.  It didn’t matter if it would make it break.  At least he would know.

  His entire body shook.  Why did he have this uncertainty, this unsureness?  Why was he so confused?  He was Hamato Donatello, it mattered not about anything else.  He could not have this insecurity about himself, it was no doubt just a lasting impression from the monster that he once shared this body with.  He had to find himself in the mess that had been created, he to reassure himself of who he was.  He had to start at one piece at a time.  He was a son, a brother.  He was a scientist and a ninja, a friend.  He was a hero, although very few knew it.

  Then why did he feel so...horrible?  Like he had done something wrong...or that he would?  Why did he feel like he knew the monster that had been vanquished still lived inside of him?  That it would rise again with a new knowledge, the best knowledge?  The knowledge of how to tear his family apart piece by piece, leaving no room for healing?

  Tears dripped down his cheeks.  He had to fight it.  He had to fight himself, the worst part of himself.  If his family was to survive, a piece of him must die.  He may never be himself again, the Donatello they once knew might never be restored, but at least they would not suffer.  They would not duffer like he had.  Like he was.

  Clenching both his jaw and his fists, Donnie flung himself off of his bed against the wall.  Hitting the hard concrete with his head, he welcomed the pain.  It would take away the growing numbness, remove the leech inside his head.  The movement would shock it, and for a moment, he could be himself again.

  Smacking his head again, Donnie could feel the mixture of warm blood and hot tears mingle as they poured onto the floor.  Drip by ever loving drip, he could hear that constant patter.  It was almost intoxicating, it gave him something else to focus on.  It was his inward pain coming out,and he thought it would help.

  The sound of footsteps running down the hall joined the noises.  Ever since his mutation, ever since he slipped out from his family’s noses, they had been extra wary.  The first night he had returned as himself again, all of his brother’s slept outside of his door.  They did not know the he indeed did know, but it was the act that counted.  His father probably would have done the same, except they had beaten him to it.  And now, the slightest noise beckoned them.

  Donnie’s door opened slowly, and he recognized the velvet of his father’s robe.  From his kneeling position, his arms dangled loosely at his sides, and his head nearly leaned against his chest.  He could barely see his brothers’ feet, all three of them.  They all stood there, almost shuffling without movement.

  “Donatello?” Splinter turned on his light switch, flooding his room.  There was a gasp, and Donnie barely lifted his head up to look at their faces.  Blood dribbled in between his eyes, and everything he could see was in a reddish shade.  Leonardo, Raphael, and Michelangelo’s shocked looks bore down on him, and Splinter’s horrified gaze alone made him close his eyes tightly.  Disappointment- the one thing that could break him.

  Splinter grasped him, pulling him up into his arms.  “Oh my son...” Donnie knew that he was aware this was self inflicted, not just some accident.  He knew that something was wrong, something that would drive his intelligent son to do such a thing.

  All Donnie could do was sob.  The gut wrenching sounds that erupted from him only made his brothers gather around, but their silent tears could not comfort him.  They did not understand.  They could not understand.  It was impossible.  But...here they were...all together...as a family.  They had to fight this as a family, which meant that they had to fight himself.  A battle inside, the struggle within.
Here is the first chapter to my newest fanfiction, Same As It Never Was. Please comment!
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Grrrrlz's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

so far, I have only read the first chapter, and it is fucking awesome <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt=":D" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=":D (Big Grin)"/>
I don't know how you do it, but you make the story come to life with so much emotion that it keeps the readers curious and wanting more. me included <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/>
the depth that you put into your stories inspires both me and any of your other readers, just because we can tell that you put so much emotion and passion into your work. it is truly admirable. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/>
Donatello has always been my favourite character, and in all the episodes I've watched, I have always seen a held back Donnie, as if he is holding something all to himself. to read this is to truly understand what he is feeling and give a new depth to his character.
I love all your work and I cant wait to read more <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/>